thrill-seeker, cake eater

I'm sure you all have sickened of the "promos" word as much as I have, if you aren't already rendered so by the influx of teens hogging all the seats at coffee joints everywhere. 

I apologise for being one of them.

But not anymore, no. At least for another 2 months I think. I don't know what to do(quite literally) with my new found freedom, so many things I want to do but most of the people I love are still busy or away. Guess it's time to catch up on sleep and just take things slow. I've turned into such a chill person, my nonchalance is so unnerving. In fact, I think I've gotten really lazy and nonchalance is just a grander term. 

The last couple of weeks have been a really bad time, I'd say. Anxiety, resentment, stress and endless discontentment make up the recipe for absolute self-deregatory hell. I've never actually wanted to stay home so much but the last thing I wanted was to go out and feel even worse about myself and my fugly hair and my huge thighs and my thick arms and the terrible state of my skin. And then everything got worse when no outfit I picked out seem to look good. 

And then there was the realization. I've become so dependent on having someone to write me pretty words; sharing witty conversations with innuendos and subtle compliments masked behind wary hearts and egos. The chase, the games, the flirting, the thrill of having piqued someone's interest, the possibilites; the constant "what if"s and hinting of some kind of future. You know you're too caught up in the prospect of it when you find yourself longing for the memories, the conversations, the phonecalls, the first few times when his presence makes the skin you live in feel so uncomfortable, the last being him. 

Perhaps I've been falling in 'love' for the wrong reasons all this while. 

But really, I'm happy now. I'm going to start doing The Mari Winsor pilates because I've read about them on forums and all people seem to do is sing praises about this workout so I shall find out for myself. 

Far from professional but still going to shamelessly claim I'm having writer's block, maybe I'm quite delirious from the obvious sleep deprivation and might regret this in the morning, but today was a good day, and tomorrow will be better