Weekend

Can't really find the right words to describe the feeling I have in my chest now. I came home after my A Level Mother Tongue paper and decided to spend my afternoon watching some of the movies I downloaded the other day, and I started off with Weekend, among others like About Cherry, Shame and An Education that I hope to finish watching soon.

Weekend was brilliant.

Like Blue Valentine, it left me in tears with the nondescript rawness of it all, touching on a topic although becoming less taboo, with explicitness and detail so thorough it had me feeling a little uncomfortable at first. After I got over my initial reservations, I got swamped by how real those feelings, fears discussed were, how those two men could possibly be anybody out there in the world. Such accurate representatives of people facing similar circumstances. Of people that are often too quickly judged, dismissed, insulted; thrown to the gallows.

Loved, loved, loved the movie, with a substantial amount of dry, British humor. My soul is thanking me now.

1. 
   
2. 
   
3. Glen: Look, straight people like us as long as we conform, behave by their little rules. Imagine your friends, if you suddenly started getting all really political about being a fag or you got suddenly like camp or swishy or talked about rimming all the time.
4. Russell: Yeah, but that's not what i' m like, is it? That's not who i am.
5. Glen: Well, trust me they like it, as long as we don't shove it down their throats.
6. Russell: OK, well, why should i just shove it down their throats?
7. Glen: Because they shove it down our throats all the time, being straight... straight story lines on television, everywhere, in books, on billboards, magazines, everywhere. But, oh, the gays, the gays... (gasps) We mustn't upset the straights. Shh, watch out, the straights are coming. Let's not upset them, let's hide in our little ghettos, let's not hold hands, let's not kiss in the street, no.

Now, excuse me while I go watch The Art Of Getting By.

Grub

I'm so happy with all this yummy in my tummy.

Went to Saveur for long procrastinated French fare. Still in disbelief at how cheap their food is, think a pager-sized(for lack of more accurate comparisons) slab of foie gras for 9.90 done to perfection. Not an avid fan of the pricey organ obtained by cruel methods but this one had me almost in tears.

Okay, slight exaggeration but it's really good. So was my duck confit, at only $9.90. Honestly, I wouldn't mind forking up $15 from my meager allowance for it.

Falling into food coma now and no my food adventures aren't done for the day, going to make some pancakes and visit my invalid girlfriend in abit.

Today I tried to pull off the whole layered look with an Oxford button up underneath but I ended up looking like a boy. Went to perm my lashes and put on red lipstick to reinforce my sexual orientation but don't think that was enough. Spent the rest of the evening getting teased mercilessly by mum, but I finally satisfied my craving for Korean BBQ meat and rice, so all's forgiven.

I am going for Halloween Horror Nights 2 at USS tomorrow, God bless my soul, literally.

Mac and cheese

It's really not funny how bad I want to sink my teeth into a macaroni and have the cheese sauce from the inside squirt out and scald my tastebuds for days. I think what's funnier is how I actually googled "macaroni singular" because I wanted to be sure I phrased it right, and yup macaroni is still macaroni singular or plural so I am right. The satisfaction I derive from being grammatically correct is ridiculous.

Macaroni or penne or basically any type of pasta that allows sauce to creep into its crevices never fails to scald my tongue. Or maybe I'm just a really impatient person. Most of the time I scald my tongue from eating pasta or porridge or ban mian in school. Seriously, how do people wait? I know I can't wait to get all of it in my mouth. Just like how when eating in a big group, and my food arrives I'm like god damn, it smells so good..and I just about pick up my fork and no, I have to wait for 20 other dishes to arrive first and by that time my katsu is soggy or my noodles are soggy or my cream sauce has coagulated and I did not pay $15 for coagulated soggy pasta. So you know what, I don't wait. I just tuck in. Sorry for the lack of dining etiquette. I can't help it, I'm just a really really hungry person.

I went to the gym today and once again succeeded in embarrassing the crap out of myself like I always do when I'm alone, at the gym. I basically tried to operate machines that were way beyond what my TVD-saturated brain could comprehend and gave up after 3 seconds. And don't even get me started on my stamina. 7 days without gymming and BAM I huffed and I puffed and finally gave up.

Going back to fantasizing about a huge casserole dish of mac and cheese and bacon bits and mushrooms and diced honey ham with a whole lot of different cheeses parmesan and gruyere and whatever on top baked to bloody perfection oh yum goodbye drifting off to cheeseland oh cheeeesus

Sloth

You trembled like you’d seen a ghost,
and I gave in
“I lack the things you need the most”, you said
Where have you been?
You wasted all that sweetness
to run and hide
I wonder why?
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried
I’ve fallen from grace,
took a blow to my face
I’ve loved, and I’ve lost
I’ve loved, and I’ve lost

You left my soul bleeding in the dark,
So you could be king
The words you said are still untold to me,
and I’ve lost my faith in everything
The nights you could cope,
your intentions were gold

I pray that you’ll find peace of mind
And I’ll find you another time

My favourite verses off Explosions off Ellie Goulding's new album, Halcyon.

Love that woman, her voice is amazing. Find myself liking her slower stuff though, and I guess I'm just at that point again where I find relevance in every single song I hear to the current state of my life. This is one extremely relevant example.

As I lie on my stomach typing all this stuff nobody ever reads, hearing Kele Okereke go whoo hoo ooh whoo hoo ooh whoo hoo.. I am reminded of the past couple of days spent in this exact position, feeling guilty as hell about not working out but still not guilty enough to move my ass. So today would be the 14th consecutive day of running/gymming had I not broken my streak on Saturday and yesterday, but I definitely make up for those days in the form of pure, unadulterated torture for these legs o' mine. And by torture I mean running 7km and 'cycling' another 8. BUT still, I see no results.

I know, I know, it's the process, they say, it takes time, they also say. But I find it ridiculously demoralizing to keep this up without at least some kind of change to motivate my legs to keep moving, the bloody fats to keep burning.. Ugh. 

However, I do feel slightly better about myself, I mean, how can I not when even the slightest gesture has me wincing, and omg I waddle. Okay, not going to complain.

I've been spending way too much money until I've given up keeping track, on one too many 'post-promos celebratory' dinners and.. I forgot. But basically I need a job. Badly. And the first condition would be a boss that does not insult my intelligence every 5 minutes and does not call me little girl with such disdain. Little girl. Seriously? Thinking about all the free time I've got getting swallowed up isn't very appealing though. 

It's Halloween soon and some of us from HOTH are going for Halloween Horrors at USS. Pretty psyched for that and yes, another outlet for some massive cash blowing. Gonna dress up as a Geisha, and of course, gorify myself. It's gonna be an awesome night, here's to sleepless nights and the fastest showers I can afford after. 

Some songs that have been on constant loop as of late.

 

I'm sure you all have sickened of the "promos" word as much as I have, if you aren't already rendered so by the influx of teens hogging all the seats at coffee joints everywhere. 

I apologise for being one of them.

But not anymore, no. At least for another 2 months I think. I don't know what to do(quite literally) with my new found freedom, so many things I want to do but most of the people I love are still busy or away. Guess it's time to catch up on sleep and just take things slow. I've turned into such a chill person, my nonchalance is so unnerving. In fact, I think I've gotten really lazy and nonchalance is just a grander term. 

The last couple of weeks have been a really bad time, I'd say. Anxiety, resentment, stress and endless discontentment make up the recipe for absolute self-deregatory hell. I've never actually wanted to stay home so much but the last thing I wanted was to go out and feel even worse about myself and my fugly hair and my huge thighs and my thick arms and the terrible state of my skin. And then everything got worse when no outfit I picked out seem to look good. 

And then there was the realization. I've become so dependent on having someone to write me pretty words; sharing witty conversations with innuendos and subtle compliments masked behind wary hearts and egos. The chase, the games, the flirting, the thrill of having piqued someone's interest, the possibilites; the constant "what if"s and hinting of some kind of future. You know you're too caught up in the prospect of it when you find yourself longing for the memories, the conversations, the phonecalls, the first few times when his presence makes the skin you live in feel so uncomfortable, the last being him. 

Perhaps I've been falling in 'love' for the wrong reasons all this while. 

But really, I'm happy now. I'm going to start doing The Mari Winsor pilates because I've read about them on forums and all people seem to do is sing praises about this workout so I shall find out for myself. 

Far from professional but still going to shamelessly claim I'm having writer's block, maybe I'm quite delirious from the obvious sleep deprivation and might regret this in the morning, but today was a good day, and tomorrow will be better