Thursday, July 10, 2014

2 thoughts to keep me by his side

1. Patience. Everything is a test, a waiting game. When he places a tentative hand on my thigh, his thumb circles slower than the slowest clock that ticks when we are together, waiting out. When all my goosebumps rise
in added friction, like open mouths surfacing for air under the influence of chlorine induced stupors, 
the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention, like soldiers in neat rows, awaiting nightfall and cursing the dawn..

It is only a question of time before he consumes me at this unearthly hour 
is predatory but he does not know it, I am a helpless fawn in his clutches, but I love it none the less.

2. There is a darker place than being in a shellscrape, somewhere filthier than a latrine. I must always remember he who lights paper lanterns along the trenches of my heart, setting himself ablaze when they are fanned to forest fires. 
who hacks at the dense foliage surrounding my stubborn vessel, thick from years of love without warmth other than from a throbbing muscle in hand.
With a jackknife of genteel grunts and tender ministrations, leaves, they fall at his feet, like the articles of clothing that get caught in our toes. 
Leaves, they fall to signify change, but now also to testify to how some things will never. 
I must remember how colliding into him, his desire a matador crashing against the surface of my sternum, birthed enough light to phase out this temporary darkness. 
I must remember the badge he wears proud, he pins it right above his heart, 
I'll always be waiting, embroidered and emboldened.

Friday, June 13, 2014

no, I don't like to share

I don't know what I'd do with this blog if you ever leave
I just picked up the smell of your inclination on my bolster and
Before I know it I'll taste you in my sleep
God, I'm tired, I'm so worn out from a rest without escapism
I need a life with lucidity
Please, not a love with certain vacancies
I need more permanence than dime sized bruises on my hipbones
We grow entirely new cells in 7 years and hell,
I just read somewhere you'll have new lungs in 6 weeks,
New tastebuds in 10 days,

Fuck, when I have you all to myself at last are you even you anymore?

Are you even mine anymore?

So, leave the guarding to the dogs and the loving to the lost,
he's mine.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Tell me you don't, tell me you do

Love me not because it's convenient
Love me not because you think it will save you 
Love me not because you value presence above companionship
Worse still, contact above conversation
Love me because every time we kiss
I am paying disservice to your teeth
Obsessed with your lip between mine
Love me not because I fit in the coffin you bought her
Sometimes I taste splinters on my tongue from the hole she tore through with her fist
Love me not because I'm good with words
For I can only write free-verse
Love me because I can but I can't stop stuttering when I try to tell you 
How I get dizzy when your breath tunnels through my ear like incense into my nose
Love me because I was a lifeless drone until you walked into my life, 
Your pulse my metronome 
Love me not because I fit in your hands 
Love me because I don't
I never will

Love me because you've never loved the feeling of something slipping between your fingers, ever, until now.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

The cracks in his palm give me just enough room to slip into them
Waist deep
Sandwiched between hot flesh 
And oxygenated blood
From all the breaths he stole from my lungs
We love with open mouths and open limbs
What we do is more than just a fist slamming against a palm
It is not dirt I gather under my fingernails
But the primal way we learnt to stake our claim 
I am digging into muscle
You are drilling into bone
You and I, we're cars speeding towards each other
And you kiss me as we collide

Saturday, May 3, 2014

“At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: “The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.”
In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing - not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.
Each baby, then, is a unique collision - a cocktail, a remix - of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.
 When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes - we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely fact of our existences. The honour of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.”
Caitlin Moran

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Three Things I Discovered This Week And Will Always Remember

1. Be thankful for the two people who gave you life. Your bones are the very product of their union, your breath a reminder they succeeded. Your body is a map of cells, your moral compass; inherited. Till this day, true north is a sharp point of a finger in your direction, saying no to a tattoo, but swallow your pride although it is really just the DNA you share and be grateful. You never know relief like the kind that washes over you when you're safe within the confines of your father's car, succumbing to slumber as you lie slumped, cheek pressed against a seatbelt, drool staining the herringbone webbing a muddy brown. He insisted he send you despite being 8 in the morning on a Saturday; mind you, his only day to sleep in. And mind you, trains begin operations at 6am where you live. Some days, you'll lose patience at your mother for the gravel in her voice. You've barely said four words and the asphalt is bitter on your tongue. Swallow it nonetheless, because she is always trying. Always trying to look past her daughter's insistence on spending a night at a club in the midst of people who are really just buzzed-out boys but they're a pack of wolves to her, always trying to look past her husband's inability to maintain a proper conversation, always trying to lend a spark to a burnt-out flame of a 30 year old marriage. And we all try to a certain extent and then we fail. In that event, stroke her hair and hold her as she shakes. She was the one who taught you that even the strongest fall sometimes. She was the one who taught you how to walk in the highest stilettos and then over all the men who tried to wrench you to your knees, but if you looked closely, there were tears in her eyes as she spoke.

2. Always remember that friends aren't only your friends when you're hanging out with them. If you have time to think of a way to squeeze your daily and not to mention trivial woes into a 140-character tweet, you have more than enough to drop a quick text to an old friend, or even one you caught up with last week. Friends are more than just faces to crowd your timeline with. Friends are your lifeline. When was the last time you said how are you? and meant it, when it wasn't just a prelude to your onslaught of complaints about your life and problems. Friends form a support system, not an assembly line. They listen and they say some of the smartest things sometimes. They're not just there to inhale all your dirty carbon dioxide. Today's weather is partly cloudy with an air of fake camaraderie.

3. Keep in mind that nothing lasts forever. Forever is the 21st century form of pixie dust which is really just gold glitter. It's pretty when it's dancing in the air, just an idea bouncing around in our heads, and then it settles and it gets all over our hair, in our eyes, matted on our fingertips. You really don't want anything to last forever, anyone with sparkle in their samosa would tell you that. Nights when you find yourself in pugilistic position from the scathing words of somebody, balling your fingers into tight fists because then, only then could you hide the trembling, remember that the fire subsides in the end. Ash can only harm what was once ash for so long. Whatever conspires between two people, the searing heat of two tongues swirling together, under or above the influence, the whiskey wears off eventually. Live in the moment. Each goodbye is only a means to a new hello. Tell your lover you don't love him forever, you love him for as long as it is possible. For as long as you are able to have it course through your veins for what it is. That is the longest forever you could ever give somebody. Just make sure it isn't to somebody hell-bent on reducing a heartfelt declaration to an ily, just make sure you remember you cannot measure every life-altering phenomenon against a scale of 1 to infinity.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

"Leonardo's Mona Lisa is just a thousand thousand smears of paint. Michelangelo's David is just a million hits with a hammer. We're all of us a million bits put together the right way."

Diary by Chuck Palahniuk