Holiday

I am on my way to the airport now, I leave for Bali today.

This break cannot be any more better timed. When I come back, I will be happier because I am allowed to, and I deserve to be.

I don't need recurring characters in my life, choose if you want to stay.

I will be happier so that I can be living proof that I could've been what you've been needing.

I would kill to be the cold

Tracing your body and shaking your bones

But I can't sleep at night

I can't sleep at night

I could make a mark, if you would let me start

who?

There was a time not long ago, I would internalize every single move I made that had the honor of coercing a smile from your lips. The feature most coyly brought up in misguided attempts at subtle flirtation. I would immediately feel the scalding courage of such cheek. 

Then, time passed by and as it did it enforced the fact that there was you, and there was me; seperate entities, we would always be.

zero

I think I might be depressed. Or terminally chill.

At this point I feel completely unattractive; every step feels like the earth is quaking underneath my cankles and I can almost feel everything wobble as I walk. I am basically, my favourite term; a colossal hippo. I am also breaking out and falling apart with zero motivation for anything. So yeah most people would call this a quarter life crisis or the first stages of depression. Most people being me and the two that follow being an over-exaggeration on my part. But seriously.

Have I mentioned that I have gone off shopping? Sounds like how you'd describe kicking a drug addiction but it is just as well because I swear my condition might require some rehab. I never tire of shopping but it holds no appeal for me anymore.

I've turned off all the lights except for the paper lanterns weaved into my bedframe, sprawled on my bed in damp clothing as a result of the heavy downpour earlier, but idgaf and yolo. Christ, what is happening to me?

This is where I attempt to make myself feel better by watching a movie only to close the window after 3 minutes and do the same thing for the subsequent movies until I find myself lying on my back staring at the ceiling, wondering how I got here and when the day will come that I meet someone that will explain why nothing has been working out for me in this department in the last 4 months.

A three-dimensional earthly existence that will probably get a fragment of my soul.

disappointment

Make my bed on the great unsaid.

Been toying with the different ideas this little sentence can bring across the entire day. I love it.
I think I've stopped myself from saying a lot of things to people in my life, for reasons like the fear of the vulnerability brutal honesty can sometimes unravel. For the fear of having one's perception of me change. Most times, for fear that in the heat of the moment I may utter something completely unforgivable and irrational, because control over one's tongue, which most often is driven obstinate by sheer stupidity and boorish insensitivity, is hardly possible when a torrent of emotions is fueling the lack of it.

And once these words are out in the open, there is no taking them back.

So I have resorted to writing all of these words that go unsaid, down on various platforms and they lay dormant in microsoft word files and notes and old receipts and random scraps of paper that shaky hands and the rusted tip of an old ballpoint pen have found refuge in. After everything I ask myself the perennial question, will the people I am writing to and about ever set eyes on these furious ramblings and tearful walls of words? Or perhaps I will keep them locked up in these strange places, as memories and reminders of my quaint little habit and comfort I find in writing all my thoughts down. In neat, gramatically-sound(I hope) sentences lies my solace.

I write because of this tiny smidgeon of foolish hope I have in my heart that these people will one day listen, and understand, and know the emotional turmoil they once had me endure.

Brand new

Brand New has got to be one of my favourite bands in the world. I remember back in the day, my brother would transfer all his songs into the Creative Zen that we shared and I'd listen to them and they were all I knew. I'd sit amongst them as they play games and blast music and enquire on the song that was playing. Brand New - The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows, I still remember.

6-7 years later and I'm lying in bed listening to Jesus and Luca and Degausser and still marveling.
I am exhausted from Muay Thai earlier, but a good kind of exhausted. I've decided to sign up. Time to sleep, and hey, happy days are here :)

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared of dying 
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark 

I sometimes think about you

When the stillness of a late night car ride home

Starts to make me itch to get out

Of this car, of this skin, of this mess

A mess as beautiful as its creator

But there is only so much beauty one can possess

Before it is dawned upon that such beauty knew only superficiality

And was only manifested through honeyed words

I had never known good vocabulary, 

grammar and discernment

Would prove to be the equation

Of my biggest disappointment

"It takes more than strength, to find this peace of mind."

casserole analogy

I spent most of today in deep thought.

I think a lot, and most of the time I torment myself by replaying old memories over and over again. A twisted, sadistic way of making sure I feel every bit of emotion, be it unhappy or empty or happy. I can choose to think of good memories, but most of the time they're accompanied by the fact that things changed, and good becomes bad.

This made me think back to that fateful night Claudz and I stayed over at Risse's. I remember one particular discussion, amongst others that will not be publicly discussed as we were not in the best state of mind. About how one can never feel numb. I don't think it is remotely possible to possess the inability to feel. I quote my dear friend that was still able to speak quite coherently, "You're either living in denial, or really good at psychoing yourself."

Hurting reminds you that you're human, it's the whole essence of living. You haven't lived if you haven't loved, lost, hurt, laughed.

Finishing my CLB paper early meant having pockets of free time to stare into space and get lost in deep thought, and I thought of an analogy. Picture this, you have this casserole. You've made everything from scratch, lovingly put in different things that you love; little parts of your identity. Some macaroni because it's always the safest option, some bacon and ham, cheese. Because you can't get enough of cheese. Some oregano and parsley flakes even though you hate parsley, but well, for the flavour. You've laboured in the kitchen for god knows how long and you put it in the oven to bake. You have this feeling it'll turn out great, but it's something you've never attempted before so there's still the possibility of failure. But still, you have an inkling it's headed in the direction you want it to go; the good one, where it's delicious and everybody loves it and la di da. You take it out, it smells wonderful, you are excited to get your first taste. However, while handing it over to your best friend it slips and falls to the floor. And gone, your time, effort, hopes; ruined. 

You feel cheated, it was snatched away from you just like that, and reduced to a pile of mush. A waste, such a pity. And of course you try your hand at making new casseroles, but it will never be the same as your very first. The excitement, anticipation, passion that went into it. 

Oh God, I don't even know how I thought of that, while typing all that I actually found it quite amusing that I'd conjure up such an analogy. But yeah, a growling tummy was probably at fault. 

So that kinda sums up my current thought obsession at the moment. Maybe it was just thrilling to have touched something that had touched you. The magnitude of which scares me though.

But all this stuff aside, I had an amazing night. I am starting to change my outlook on jc life in general and I thank my lovely classmates for that. 

But you are always too intense,
frightening in the way you want him,
unashamed and sacrificial

I am so frustrated I could bloody explode.
I've been trying for hours to change my blogger template but I can't seem to get my HTML code so I am giving up. I came back from a run not long ago and despite my in-ears failing on me halfway through I am feeling slightly better about myself, I've never actually ran at night but after today I just might more often. Stillness, almost non-existent traffic.. so I don't have to sidestep twigs and branches and the occasional dead squirrel on too-narrow pavements. I even chanced upon a dead rat the other day, crikey.

My mum turns 51 today :)

Happy Birthday Mum.
I can never find the words to describe this relationship we share but know that it's the one thing I am most thankful for, and certain about in my life.

Shiver

We were (almost) lovers.
Now we can't be friends.
Fascination ends.

This happened just the other day.
Mum: Hi, what are you doing?
Me: Watching a movie it's so sad I'm so sad now
Mum: Aiyah you, you're always sad when I ask you, you know? The only time you're happy is when you're shopping!

Guilty as charged.

Hahah well mother knows best.
Sitting at lecture theatre 1 awaiting my doom, oral presentation in 30 min.
Praying for all the balls in the world and the thickest skin for just a combined 10 min.

Omg, TV On The Radio's Dear Science.

happiness?

i loved today.

Pardon me if I sound oddly cynical, self-deprecating and depressed but lately, these days hardly come by. Have I already mentioned how badly I want to wake up one day and not have to worry about what to order later when I meet my friends for breakfast/lunch/dinner?

To finally not have to hesitate before I order anything because I have to fully consider the calories in it; is the majority of it carbs? Fried? Heavy on the salt? Sugar? How do I plan my time such that I have ample time to exercise in the confines of my room in my trainers, not caring about how the pavements and occasional dog poo and places with so many memories are peppering and thumping on and rubbing against my parquet floor?

This endless fussing is driving me crazy. I just want to wake up one day and grab anything I crave and savour every morsel and rub my tummy and go "hell yeah that was good'' in my head or maybe even out loud and not have to worry about anything. Just enjoy food like how it's meant to be enjoyed. But, no. I can't. Because every morning I look in the mirror and there's the constant reminder that I still have a lot to do before that day can come.

So why do I love today again? Because I had a yummy cheese bagel, generously slathered with cream cheese. Wish I could say the same for the jam, sadly, it was just adequate to coat, thinly I might add, one half of the bagel. But nevertheless I thought it made my day... Until I had a free meal at Ichiban Boshi with best after kickboxing, thanks to our loyalty card.

It's true what they say, free food has its way of tasting better. Had our usual yoguru fix after and my, my the waffle cone was lovely. I think her company played the biggest role in making my day. Laughed til I wheezed and my cheeks hurt and momentarily forgot about all my stupid woes that keep me up at night.

You sometimes appear in my thoughts, still. But, I have to say, it's different now. Because, I no longer need you; to talk to, to be attracted to me, to you. I've hardened myself, to your spontaneity in every bad sense, your sudden and hasty departures, and arrivals.

Today, I am happy.

Weekend's coming

"The first crush, the first smile, the first move - kiss or otherwise - when it's all so new and shiny and unsure. Shyly slouching towards something; touching knees in the dark, feigning interest in everything and anything just to be near them. Holding hands, the excuse and the effort, the reaching and the rush that comes with it. We love arms wide in a field of daisies, squinting through our lashes against the sun in our eyes"