happiness?

i loved today.

Pardon me if I sound oddly cynical, self-deprecating and depressed but lately, these days hardly come by. Have I already mentioned how badly I want to wake up one day and not have to worry about what to order later when I meet my friends for breakfast/lunch/dinner?

To finally not have to hesitate before I order anything because I have to fully consider the calories in it; is the majority of it carbs? Fried? Heavy on the salt? Sugar? How do I plan my time such that I have ample time to exercise in the confines of my room in my trainers, not caring about how the pavements and occasional dog poo and places with so many memories are peppering and thumping on and rubbing against my parquet floor?

This endless fussing is driving me crazy. I just want to wake up one day and grab anything I crave and savour every morsel and rub my tummy and go "hell yeah that was good'' in my head or maybe even out loud and not have to worry about anything. Just enjoy food like how it's meant to be enjoyed. But, no. I can't. Because every morning I look in the mirror and there's the constant reminder that I still have a lot to do before that day can come.

So why do I love today again? Because I had a yummy cheese bagel, generously slathered with cream cheese. Wish I could say the same for the jam, sadly, it was just adequate to coat, thinly I might add, one half of the bagel. But nevertheless I thought it made my day... Until I had a free meal at Ichiban Boshi with best after kickboxing, thanks to our loyalty card.

It's true what they say, free food has its way of tasting better. Had our usual yoguru fix after and my, my the waffle cone was lovely. I think her company played the biggest role in making my day. Laughed til I wheezed and my cheeks hurt and momentarily forgot about all my stupid woes that keep me up at night.

You sometimes appear in my thoughts, still. But, I have to say, it's different now. Because, I no longer need you; to talk to, to be attracted to me, to you. I've hardened myself, to your spontaneity in every bad sense, your sudden and hasty departures, and arrivals.

Today, I am happy.