Cheers to you

I'm brimming with so much emotion right now and I guess I needed to translate all that into words so I can always come back here and find my way back to you on days when I need that added reassurance but rest assured I will not forget I cannot forget the way you love, earnest and with wide-eyed innocence and sometimes irresponsibly like someone who hasn't been scorned or had a taste of the bitter emptiness that is the last embers of the fire you thought you ignited in someone burning out. But I know you have and believe me I will not be like those Someones you will be nothing less than everything to me and I promise you that. Thank you for treating me better than I ever deserve and hopefully I'll be enough.

"She's the kind of girl that makes you want to gravitate to her. To cling onto her every word and emotion. She makes you want to tell her that she's the most beautiful girl in the world. But for a long time I wanted to tell her all this, to tell her that I love her. Up till now. And now that I can tell her how I feel I feel so lucky. To be able to tell her that she makes me happy and feel so comfortable when I'm with her. And that nothing else matters when she's by my side. That her smile is my remedy and cures my sadness and disparity."

You say you're not good with your words but I think the greater injustice in question here is how you don't give yourself enough credit. And I know you never feel good enough; inadequacy is what cripples me too but it shouldn't cripple you because you are incredible, promise me you won't forget.

hiatus

You could say I've learnt to let go.

I turn 18 this year and apart from the usual coming-of-age causes of excitement such as the possible ownership of a car or the frivolous drinking and clubbing which by the way, god forbid, I am highly doubtful I'd enjoy, the sequence of events this year in no chronological order whatsoever will probably mould me into the person I'd be stuck with for a long time. What if I said I kind of like the person I've become, or perhaps that is premature and I should really say, I kind of like the person I am becoming.

I feel the larger capacity to forgive, regret, love and most of all, I've learnt to walk away from a lost cause, and somehow managed to stumble into the arms of one who is my safety even if I might have to do my fair share of saving. Meanwhile, my attention span in school is dwindling and I spend most days battling with my eyelids for dominance in keeping them open long enough to finish daily obligations that only seem like redundancies. I fear I may be over-celebrating my clearing of BT1 a little, hiding from responsibility under the lace veil of my mediocre achievements. Another excuse I've been using far too often is the fact that a-divs are starting hence the focus shift to more pressing matters which would be the start of season in less than 12 hours time.

I've been bowling terribly the past few training sessions and its the last thing a first-time competitor should have to keep reminding herself of every waking minute. I feel like I've made so much progress since joining SA Bowling last year but yet I feel myself back to where I was at the beginning once again. Bowling 120+ average games and missing all my god damn spares and forgetting to finger my ball. Please, not now. I just hope I'm able to keep my head above the water tomorrow or at least learn to swim.

You

If you must wait,
Wait for them here in my arms as I shake
If you must weep,
Do it right here in my arms as I sleep
If you must mourn my love,
Mourn with the moon and the stars up above

If you must mourn,
Don't do it alone

If you must leave,
Leave as though fire burns under your feet
If you must speak,
Speak every word as though it were unique
If you must die sweetheart,
Die knowing your life was my life's best part

If you must die,
Remember your life

You are, you are

If you must fight,
Fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night
If you must work,
Work to leave some part of you on this earth
If you must live darling one,
Just live

-Keaton Henson, my favorite folk songwriter

I was a crooked soul, bent in more ways than one, and you showed me, you taught me how to stand up straight.

empty air

“Finally he spoke the three simple words that no amount of bad art or bad faith can ever quite cheapen. She repeated them, with exactly the same slight emphasis on the second word, as though she were the one to say them first. He had no religious belief, but it was impossible not to think of an invisible presence or witness in the room, and that these words spoken aloud were like signatures on an unseen contract.” ― Ian McEwan, Atonement

//

I have been meaning to write for awhile now, finding the time to articulate my thoughts into paragraphs the perfectionist in me would approve of is a whole other story though.

But yet
I am choked for words and my mind can only obsess over the ramblings of your
quiet, closed up one screaming sacrilege
against the religion that is the cartilage of my right ear
between your teeth and every raised bump my fingers elicit
whenever a graze overstays its welcome
as though catalyzed
everything flashes in nanoseconds of hitched breath and
the suddenly deafening drumming of the pads of your fingers
on the dip of my spine
small strokes like blinding white light between my eyelids
serving to crumble the composure I have valiantly held
then also not
because I will never be the same
like how fragmented porcelain can never gleam atop a bookshelf
after the passionate fumbling of eager hands
reduces even the most sturdy
    into
          d u s t.

Put into actions what you so cleverly put into words, I crave so much more.