I'm sorry

"// Grow // 

Emotions drive into my heart

My mind has shifted 

To a dark place

A big green eyed monster

Awaits me 

It's not easy being you

I hate things that I can't foresee

I breathe things that I can't achieve 

You don't know the things 

Inside me

They grow 

They grow

Deeper and lethal

Like a disease that infects my soul

But you don't know these thoughts 

I harbour

I don't want you to reassure me

Don't tell me you're mine forever

But acknowledge the pain you've caused

And forget about it in the morning

I know this will never stop

Because this disease grows

It grows 

It grows

As we grow older

Deeper and lethal

It infects my soul

But I'll learn to control it

For you i'll conquer these demons

Abolish them from my kingdom

Leaving only you in the wreckage

Waiting for me to grow together"

As those words unravelled it occurred to me how in your silence, I often fail to dig deeper. I don't stop to think enough, about just how careful I am to be with your heart. But, believe me when I say it is my most prized possession. I'm a fuck-up, I'll admit, I'm muddle-headed and sometimes I forget how fragile you actually are. I hate how I can't say no to people, how I may give other guys the wrong impression while I remain, completely unaware.

I'm sorry.

I would struggle to trust myself too, and maybe it's too much to ask, but, please don't doubt me. You may think I'm out there, my heart misplaced and mind in disarray letting thoughts of you float in and out while I drown myself in the company of others but you're all I think about. I don't think of being with anyone else, yet alone think of another's arms replacing yours? I wouldn't have it. Tell me you wouldn't too. I don't mind your rage just tell me it is fueled by a heinous love for me, because I never wanted to be possessed by anyone as much as I do you. I know no felony like that time you ripped my heart from its cage and it's never functioned the same again, you told me you couldn't open up to me again. It's okay if you hate me for awhile, it's what I deserve, but please, be the one to kiss me goodnight and may the knuckles that collide with the wall be the same ones that brush my cheek as you lie beneath me. Hate me for a minute and then spend an entire lifetime loving me, I wouldn't mind. I'd want that, I'd love that.

Please just listen to me when I say fuck the rest of the world, because all that has to matter is you and me. In lecture halls, holding my hand under a textbook, we couldn't give a shit about anything else, could we? It doesn't have to change, sweetheart. I loved you then and I love you now. No amount of bad faith could make me falter. 

Tonight I am more in love than I have ever been

I want to say it feels more than I could ever feel

it might be a longshot but it feels too good

too good to care that idealism favours the young

i am listening to songs that seep into our pores

as we sink into each other,

that watch us as we lose ourselves

in each other's hair and i find yet another reason to stay

i want you to touch me until i have a shot at your perfection

i want you

thumbs pressing against my sides,

our hipbones brushing and

our demons kissing in the dark

Conversations at dinner

"Why don't you write a book?"

I tell him I am no good at commiting to a character and

My attention span has a knack for waning 

I don't tell him he is the exception 

"You're really good at analogies."

He tells me and his lips part as if

To slip another compliment but he reaches for his glass 

He thinks I have a way with words

But his tongue could do so much better than mine

 I could never write a book without writing about him; how when he stretches his eyes are tight creases like crows' feet,

How he always closes his eyes for so long before and after a kiss

How do I tell him I am really only good at loving? 

in contrast

I made a deal with God the other day

My right cheek squashed against the nape of your neck

I swore I'd turn the other but I didn't want you to stir

Our bodies were touching,
thermal equilibrium

but I felt a steady heat starting from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair

it was beyond any science
I dare say you are a work of art

you hate it when I stiffen as you start to talk about Him
and you meander on while I sit
struck with rigor mortis
is that look supposed to be love?
because I sense only judgement
your mouth a thin line
and mine a minefield
if I say the wrong thing again
will you hold us both through the wreckage?
plot twist: you left me to die, amassed with sins
while you buried your own in weed and tobacco

I smile as he softly snores and I allow
myself to drown in soliloquies
he loves me so much better