Past, present and ?

I've been thinking about fame. When the world is so stirred about trivial facts about you. Like, will there be a day I reach a stature so revered that there'll be a tumblr post of a picture of me, in greyscale, my smile a blur and my teeth the whitest in the plethora of greys. Its caption would read: she used to feel so small when she had a job at a cafe and so many 30 somethings would treat her without the slightest respect because of her youth which they either conceived with envy or didn't need to take seriously. Or maybe a torn out page from a love letter I wrote you would surface on the internet, the piece of paper raw on it's edges like a country on a map. The rougher it was torn the more people would subscribe to it, deeming it gold even if you and I had a perfectly ordinary love. This; if only somebody felt that way about me or I could read this letter over and over pretending it was addressed to me, would they say?

I've been wondering if my love was something people would feel privileged to have, cause lately I've been feeling like giving it is the only thing I'm good at. Maybe that'll explain why the only redeemable material I've come up with revolves around love. Love, you, lack of it, lack of you.

I hope you think I'm good at it.

I'm just always so afraid of living a life without building a name for myself. I don't want to be on billboards or have tens of thousands of likes on my photos. I just want to be remembered, even if it's by only one person. To matter. If writing ever takes off for me, I just want it to be known that I was never of any real talent or ambition. I'm still so lost everyday. Maybe when I become somebody with a considerable amount of popularity I'll find myself, but I'm pretty sure everybody struggles to get out of bed some mornings and most of our pillows soak up lost dreams. I really don't know what this post is for and about anymore I'm just so anxious about my future which is banking on a results slip and I just want to make a living from selling people words, I promise I'm good at keeping them and perhaps even better at writing them but that is all.