atelophobia

This place has served as nothing but a jaded outlet for the belligerent dialogues between the devil and god in my head and I apologize for the complete disregard for it the past few weeks. I am not proud of how I can no longer seem to write as fluently as I used to be able to, be it the simplest of day-to-day mundane trivialities I hate to bore people with to the blow-by-blow descriptions of what you do to me. I am tripping too easily over my words and that happens on lucky days, most of the time, I can barely choke out a lackluster sentence or two. It is with, I daresay, disgust that my fingers do their own robotic dance and before I know it my brain is disdainfully frowning upon the rapidly forming pixels that poorly reflect the barrage of thoughts it has been conjuring as of late. I cannot stop them, though.

Spent the entire week being ridiculously hypersensitive, especially to the patronizing compliments I get for my recent haircut which are far worse than the wordless stares shot in my direction. A slight frown, the skeptical purse and contortions of lips wanting to deliver brutal truth. Say it. I much rather you do, than tell me I look cute when your entire face is giving away your fallacy. I liken this current tragedy to bludgeoning the already hopelessly insecure person that is me further into the abyss of self-hatred. 

Apart from struggling to be the perfect daughter, student and friend, I've been driven albeit mad by the idea of the perfect girlfriend and what it might possibly entail, and where I stand as one. There is no pressure, not at all, but yet like always, I feel the more than pressing need to deliver. I am lacking in so many aspects; patience, time, looks, courage. Instead, there is an abundance of worry, fear and atelophobia. Talking to Maxine always leaves me with new feelings of enlightenment and sheds light on so many grey areas that crept past my line of vision, and I can't help but think. Why me? A part of me swells with happiness and gratitude and the other part tells me I don't deserve the half good things that are happening to me now. 

But I forgot to mention I am also lacking in spine and I need you, the best thing in my life thus far.


I can only hope I am enough.