And, that my goals were unrealistic, so much so I should rethink my strategy and possibly slot in some allowance for failure perhaps? While I'm at that how about I brace myself for disappointment because you can't change things and fix mistakes in 42 days.
42 days to the start of A levels, and those are basically the thoughts that your words translate to in my head.
Forget about impending disappointment, consider it premature. And before I go berserk and spew forth an onslaught of vicious typing I thought I should say that these are my thoughts, my platform to display them, and my views. I'm not looking for sympathy, or to be relatable, but if you're able to find any relation to how I feel right now then you are awesome. But here's a disclaimer to leave if you have an issue with uninhibited outpouring of thoughts with generous lashings of misanthropy.
I could be studying right now, in the words of anyone taking the upcoming A levels, I could be making a huge difference by spending my time wisely. Why are you on your Mac bitching about your life when you should be studying. A huge difference? And by having more As on your report card you are making a greater difference than I am? Here's where I lay down Newsflash #1. You cannot make a difference. I'm so riled because by telling me I am being unrealistic with my dreams, that my goals are unattainable, you are crippling my ability to even begin to make a difference, to be the change. Society isn't going to change, Newflash #2. You are going to leave this institution forever altered because they will tell you that you're not good enough, that you will fail, that you didn't work hard enough. And you will leave this institution a fraction of who you were when you entered. You traded in not just your social life and free time but also fragments of yourself because they told you you had to change, that you couldn't possibly succeed with that attitude. What if I happened to like that attitude? What if that attitude bore, even if it was the slightest, semblance of compassion, that was hacked off me like a cancerous appendage the second the putrid cells could be detected? Because right now, right here, I see that faith and positivity mean nothing. I can believe in myself but if come next year I don't attain satisfactory results then I am deemed a failure in life. My lessons in resilience, empathy, discernment and sensitivity towards others rendered completely redundant simply because my report card is not peppered with the alphabet 'A'. The fact that I am able to celebrate a friend's success, instead of seeing them as a threat, or to motivate someone to go farther. Invalid. It makes me angry to see some of the most amazing people I know doubting themselves and determining their self-worth from the grades they attain. It makes me angry how it puts their flaws under careful scrutiny, not only be others, but by themselves. It makes me angry because it is akin to saying, you can't produce results so you deserve to remain at the lowest rungs in society, at the mercy of those who are able to clamor their way to the top even if it is at the expense and complete neglect of others around them. It makes me angry because it completely shifts the emphasis from character to intellect. It all seems a little melodramatic, but honestly, I'm 18, I'm supposed to get my very first nuances of adulthood and this is the psychological scarring inflicted on me?
To anyone of you who are feeling discouraged at this point in time, and should none of you exist then take this as a public declaration of my disenchantment and bear with me, you're getting the full-on experience. Welcome to life, as we will always know it. I urge you to keep your dignity intact no matter how many people try to put you down. That's what they'll do. Don't try to be good enough for them, because it's never going to be enough. You only owe that to yourself, not anyone else. Be someone that satisfies you and only you. To anyone who says, sorry but, please be realistic with your dreams, ask them to take it in the fucking ass. You know, screw the grit, the rigor, the success, if I walk out of here with my identity in check then I'd be more than happy.
I'll walk out of here a fighter, that's for sure.
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