eighteen

I've been procrastinating this birthday post for the longest time. So I'm 18. And so what? I wish there was a difference, wish I had more insight, wish that every step would render more impact, less hesitation. I can only hope that before 13 turns to 14 I will don the highly elusive cloak of courage and newfound fight will decorate my canvas quickly in pebble grays and wine reds. I clearly still take the same form; cynical, deprecating, but hopeful, thankfully. And if there was one thing turning 18 taught me, was that I got so much more than I ever bargained for. Honestly the days leading up to that night and there and then itself, I realised god damn I'm lucky. You know when you're so used to feeling like every day is a passing cloud that never quite hovers away, a feeling like that could be possible lung failure. But I guess the kind where gratitude, amazement and the simplest really - joy, engulf the vessels so starved of air. So much so you take a deep breath, and find what you need; family, friends and a whole lot of room to breathe.

That's pretty much how I felt that night. I've never been one with the hordes of friends, nor enemies, I'll admit. But I think a lot of those close to me would know that I never expected this. I came to SAJC, and I'd be brutal but, kind of looked at the lot and never imagined they'd mean this much to me. I never imagined I'd fit in. We're the strangest configuration of jilted hearts, dorky laughs and filthy mouths. But one snort short and we wouldn't get along this well. Then there are the girls that helped mould me into the (IJ-proud) person I am today and I owe almost everything to them and they're probably the reason why I can feel like maybe I'm not that much of a bad person after all. Mum and dad, never hesitating to give me anything in my life, understanding everything that worms its way around and tries to bite me in the ass. Biting those things in their asses. Being the parents I never have to dread bringing friends or boyfriends home to. Basically, everyone shone. And I can safely say I am of age, with a great family, a boyfriend I address as "dude" more than any other name but love him to death all the same, an amazing circle of friends and a whole life ahead of me. I will start living. I will stop counting calories, stop worrying so much, stop calculating moves, stop separating my peas from my carrots. Go in for the kill, emerge bruised but bolder. I will lift heavier and break my personal records, I will have my cake and eat it. I will not wait for New Year's Eve to come up with resolutions, and I will not lose fervor in completing them. I'll kiss in school toilets(okay just kidding school is a no go), kill a cockroach, learn how to cycle. I'll decide my own future, grow the balls to say no, and stop mulling over the small stuff that's dead and gone.

So guys, you don't need to turn 13,18,21,30,42,50 or any bloody age to realize you need to start living. Maybe you saw this on a hipster's iPhone cover but really, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. I don't give pseudo-motivational pep talks and I'm hoping this does not feel like one but if it is in anyone's interest about how my birthday went then here it is. Turning 18 did not leave me curled at the waist, worshipping the porcelain gods the next morning(can't drink for nuts), or had me up all night doing "cool, illegal shit" or whatever stereotype being legal entails, but instead, I felt like a child again. Like, you're peering through your china doll bangs and the world has this wonder to it, and in the slightest whisper you go, wow, look at that. 

Don't let the added height and make-up fool you I was basically that girl in a cocktail dress. So to everyone who's been a part of my life thus far, even those I wish never entered on some nights, I thank you so much.

Cheers guys!