So today somebody thought it would be hilarious to joke that my boyfriend got hit by a vehicle in camp.

I don't usually write about the monumental occasions where you are having a pretty shite day and you're stuck in bed with a leaking nose and phlegm bouncing up and down your oesophagus and somebody decides to shovel you a mountain of dirt for lunch. This case is an all-star; congratulations on winning yourself a place on my blog. I don't know what you were thinking(trust me I wish I did) and I've done my fair share of stupid things but this takes the fucking cake. I guess it's pretty admirable how you manage to laugh off an event like this and play the game where I'm the one who can't take a joke. Sure, joking about your friend getting into an accident's a winner for sure. You know, I would never think you were the kind of person to pull off something like that, once again you get plus points for originality aside from those you scored for your stinking courage. I hope I don't have to face you again, but I know too well I'm too soft to bloody hold on to a grudge but I hope this is an exception. I said "it's okay." and I never wanted to bite my tongue so bad for telling such a lie.

Don't worry, pretty sure I'll continue to cry for the rest of the day as penance. If only I could stop trembling, and resorting to tears every time I think about it. If only that wasn't every second of every minute.

Thank you so much for ruining my day.

My head won't let me rest

I was digging into my pockets for loose change

Could've sworn my fingers brushed against your million-dollar smile

I can't get rid of you can I?

Like static in a snowstorm 

A heated cellphone against my ear

Hearth in the dead of winter 

You left your incandescence in every crease in my bedsheets

And now I can't fall asleep

I couldn't blame you, for

No flower could sleep through the sun

Sometimes I miss you like all the stars I never got to watch with you that night 

All at once, and then none at all

State of longing and then void of feeling

I am flaunting fluctuations more than the weather 

I am wearing thin 

Firm feet

I have a feeling we spend a fraction of our lives settling. I have a feeling that fraction is a good 7/8. I know dust often has no choice, but we are so much more than particulate in nature. I need to know you won't blow me away because I was ruining the gleam on your new shiny toy. Maybe there is a certain serenity in an unperturbed state. Like how we both lie in the same bed, aware of our silence but neither of us feels inclined to break it. But sometimes I wish I could wrench you out of your hibernation and tell you, don't take me for granted. My mother still tells me she loves me although it is her 19th year in doing so. Maybe 20 years down the road you won't even remember my name, and come 50, I won't remember my own. But until then, let's not rest on our laurels. By 80, let's wear toothless grins like badges of honor to show how our teeth eventually gave way to the words we never held back. I'll be the raw dust filtering through your pores, you'll be the sunlight that I somersault in.

Preach

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I'm sorry

"// Grow // 

Emotions drive into my heart

My mind has shifted 

To a dark place

A big green eyed monster

Awaits me 

It's not easy being you

I hate things that I can't foresee

I breathe things that I can't achieve 

You don't know the things 

Inside me

They grow 

They grow

Deeper and lethal

Like a disease that infects my soul

But you don't know these thoughts 

I harbour

I don't want you to reassure me

Don't tell me you're mine forever

But acknowledge the pain you've caused

And forget about it in the morning

I know this will never stop

Because this disease grows

It grows 

It grows

As we grow older

Deeper and lethal

It infects my soul

But I'll learn to control it

For you i'll conquer these demons

Abolish them from my kingdom

Leaving only you in the wreckage

Waiting for me to grow together"

As those words unravelled it occurred to me how in your silence, I often fail to dig deeper. I don't stop to think enough, about just how careful I am to be with your heart. But, believe me when I say it is my most prized possession. I'm a fuck-up, I'll admit, I'm muddle-headed and sometimes I forget how fragile you actually are. I hate how I can't say no to people, how I may give other guys the wrong impression while I remain, completely unaware.

I'm sorry.

I would struggle to trust myself too, and maybe it's too much to ask, but, please don't doubt me. You may think I'm out there, my heart misplaced and mind in disarray letting thoughts of you float in and out while I drown myself in the company of others but you're all I think about. I don't think of being with anyone else, yet alone think of another's arms replacing yours? I wouldn't have it. Tell me you wouldn't too. I don't mind your rage just tell me it is fueled by a heinous love for me, because I never wanted to be possessed by anyone as much as I do you. I know no felony like that time you ripped my heart from its cage and it's never functioned the same again, you told me you couldn't open up to me again. It's okay if you hate me for awhile, it's what I deserve, but please, be the one to kiss me goodnight and may the knuckles that collide with the wall be the same ones that brush my cheek as you lie beneath me. Hate me for a minute and then spend an entire lifetime loving me, I wouldn't mind. I'd want that, I'd love that.

Please just listen to me when I say fuck the rest of the world, because all that has to matter is you and me. In lecture halls, holding my hand under a textbook, we couldn't give a shit about anything else, could we? It doesn't have to change, sweetheart. I loved you then and I love you now. No amount of bad faith could make me falter. 

Tonight I am more in love than I have ever been

I want to say it feels more than I could ever feel

it might be a longshot but it feels too good

too good to care that idealism favours the young

i am listening to songs that seep into our pores

as we sink into each other,

that watch us as we lose ourselves

in each other's hair and i find yet another reason to stay

i want you to touch me until i have a shot at your perfection

i want you

thumbs pressing against my sides,

our hipbones brushing and

our demons kissing in the dark

Conversations at dinner

"Why don't you write a book?"

I tell him I am no good at commiting to a character and

My attention span has a knack for waning 

I don't tell him he is the exception 

"You're really good at analogies."

He tells me and his lips part as if

To slip another compliment but he reaches for his glass 

He thinks I have a way with words

But his tongue could do so much better than mine

 I could never write a book without writing about him; how when he stretches his eyes are tight creases like crows' feet,

How he always closes his eyes for so long before and after a kiss

How do I tell him I am really only good at loving?