This post is going to contain a hell lot of reiterations, incoherency, pity, disgust, I can't think. Don't think, just write, just put it all down, I decide. I don't know who to talk to anymore, what to do, all I want to do is cry. Be alone, but yet I want people to ask me how I am, but then again not, I'll just break down in front of the entire caf and hate myself for being so fucking weak. For making my friends around me feel so god damn uncomfortable, conversation ceases and I bet they're all thinking, what the hell is up with her she's always like that nowadays. Suddenly, everybody seems to occupied with what they were previously fiddling with, wanting to avert their gazes, away, away from the pathetic, unstable freak of a girl. Friends. Since exiling myself, I don't know if I still have any. Friends are not acting like friends. Emotions, stronger than the most devastating 2am text or the lack of, when things are left unsettled. I just keep crying. It's so stupid, I can't make sense of anything. Stoicism is a comfortable camouflage already. Camouflage because inside of me feelings are imploding and exploding through every exhausted cell. If I were in a better mood I might snicker at the irony. Putting up a false front never seemed easier, but also a pain in the ass to keep up.
I've never been an angry person.
I'm pretty damn fucking angry right now. Or maybe I'm at a loss. I don't know. 3 words that sum it all. I don't know how to put an end to this quotidian nightmare. I hate how I can't write anymore, not GP, not poetry, not even a blog post. Nothing is working, it feels like somewhere along the course of the past month I let the good parts of me slip away, completely unaware. I've never had to pause so long before typing a sentence and then cursing myself in my head because it is nothing short of banal; hackneyed. Reading older posts, I was happy. So happy, it seems. So inspired, things were beautiful. Maybe they still are, but my judgement is so thick with the smog that is my negativity, failure. Maybe I'm blind, maybe there is beauty. Far, far away from where I stand though, that I am positive. Positive. The first thing that comes to mind is some physics definition I was forced to memorize. I inwardly wince at that, I always want to break something when people ask me to memorize things. I guess the system has overwritten human emotion with useless facts and formulae. That's sad. I'm sad.
I don't know.
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