Perplexity

This is my jam

So apt for this time of my life 

Past all the signs of a slow decline, 

you live like your love wasn't meant for mine

Been entertaining thoughts about secondary school life, friendships and religion. Also, finding myself trapped in an endless cycle of laziness, procrastination and the sheer inability to do the things I'm supposed to do. Okay rather, the inability to have the urgency to do the things I'm supposed to do. I feel unhappy with school life, and so I convince myself that it's okay to only want to get my A level cert and leave this place quick. If there's one thing I'm thankful for, it'll be the new friends I've made in SA. The only reason I feel a twinge of guilt towards my previous biting statement. And they are also the only reason I even find the will to continue.

Been spending these couple of days catching up with Claudz and De, two people who really and wholly embrace me for everything I am, all the stupid/retarded things I say/do/have done; they don't ever judge me or give me blank 'okay....' looks which I detest. De has been my best friend since I was 13 and overweight(still battling it) with frizzy wavy hair and bad fashion sense. The happiest years of my life mostly have her in it, and despite her busy poly life and me just barely getting by in jc, I'm glad most things haven't changed between us. I love her to death and I have total confidence this isn't a friendship with an expiry date shortly after secondary school.

Claudz. Started to acknowledge her existence only in Sec 3 despite being from the same primary school and all but I can't believe she was never on my radar considering we are totally the same in so many ways. Since she's moved to Kovan from her house in JB I see her so much more often and that helps inject some humour in my life, also because her sheer greed and shamelessness always lead her to my doorstep to claim freshly baked goodies by Chef Tan. So glad I have her and despite me insulting her every 10 seconds, you always hurt the ones you love right?

Came to know they're also going through the same shit as me, finding it increasingly hard to adapt and after 6 months still not able to feel accepted/happy in school.

Initially, I wanted to throw myself in a totally new environment, to leave behind SJC and everyone and just make new friends and immerse myself in new culture. But right now I want to go back so bad. It doesn't feel like home in SA. I'd do anything to have my friends with me again. Pretty pathetic sounding and all, but it's all that's been plaguing my thoughts recently.

On the brink of losing hope that I'd ever find somebody to love with the generosity to accept me for who I am, afterall it's not like anyone has. Even if they did, after awhile they start to find things about me to pick on and before you know it I'm conforming to their ideals, so as to continue contending in this very screwed up gameshow we call teenage love. It's so stupid but I, obviously, still continue to be an utter sucker for it.

I want to take a break from everything but time and commitments simply do not allow me the privilege. Forced to endure and keep the faith. Three little words I used to preach but now, barely reflect my actions.

Keep the faith, okay.