I want to be alone and I want people to notice me — both at the same time.

-Thom Yorke

You're fucking everything up Trish so don't you dare ask why if he leaves 

Having recently deleted my twitter app, this is my only outlet to put down my thoughts. Those that as of late have been highly depressing. I am toying with extreme ideas more than I ever used to. Completely floored in the most devastating way by the intensity of such ill-feelings. I'm not particularly fluent in keeping myself together but I'm ashamed of the number of meltdowns I've experienced throughout this duration. I'm at the point where you no longer yearn for the pandering of others but you recoil in disgust for the depth of which you stoop. The depths of what you are drowning yourself in. Sure, I cry, but not easily. Yet I feel the sickening smarting of pompous tears gathering at my eyes like demons summoned to taunt; numerous times of the day. Can't seem to stop them nor resist their provocations. I'm weak, I learn, weaker than I've ever been. I feel so disconnected from my friends, family and myself. I take back all I said about JC life being a long shot from the complaints made by wrung-out students. 

I am that wrung-out student contemplating seeking counseling, at a total loss.

It's one thing to be frighteningly uncertain about the future, another to be losing grip on your religion, and a whole other story to have the two simultaneously happening while you watch the rest of the world doing way better than yourself. Comparisons are self-inflicting in nature but irresistible. 

Everybody tells me it's okay, I'll be fine, it's just BT2, but I don't know if the psychological scarring can ever be reversed. I don't know if this self-doubt can be wrenched out by it's roots, the land made fertile again. I'm in a daze half the time just mulling over these thoughts. I hate who this has made me.

It all seemed easy but now the option of retaking j2 may become a near reality. I can't stop thinking about how fingers will point to my relationship first chance, how this may actually be a mistake from the beginning, how my hopes for the future are dashed, how everything I touch loses its gleam. How I manage to fuck everything up. 

If I were to think of a future for us 

I'd think until it hurts my head

Enough to make me want to bury

The pain and a kiss someplace

Colder than the

windowpane that hid

Our limbs in a tight lattice

But never hotter than 

The fever pitch of your hot,

hot breath blowing across 

my sternum

Bones may splinter but

Hearts can only hope to throb

For more than the preservation

Of life without love 

I remember when your name was just another name that rolled without thought off my tongue. Now, I can’t look at your name without an abundance of sentiment attached to each lettter. Your name, which I played with so carelessly, so easily, has somehow become sacred to my lips. A name I won’t throw around lightheartedly or repeat without deep thought. And if ever I speak of you, I use the English language to describe who you were to me. You are nameless, because those letters grouped together in that familiar form….. carries too much meaning for my capricious heart.

Coco J. Ginger 

1:17

I can't sleep tonight because I feel somewhat buoyant.

I watched white aprons with tiny smatterings of red being flung around and amidst the comedic humour and titillating spreads all I could think about was you. I feel like I'm hovering in a state, just out of your reach, balls of my feet barely scraping the floor.

Unsettled.

I've learnt from the past. I know how conversations past the stroke of midnight only pave way for issues your daylight mind could never think of. And then there's me; impulsive, emotional, boasting expertise in verbal hemorrhage. I think I am one step ahead, taking the initiative, doing us both a favour.

I leave, but all I want to do is run into your arms and hopefully the impact will be enough to rattle some sense into our skulls. Perhaps even mar them enough for pain receptors to hardwire in them the hurt associated with such arguments, and never repeat.

I talk to you here because I can't talk to you. Fate likes to kick back and have a good laugh some nights too. So for now I just wish my mind would blank out long enough for sleep to take over so in seconds my conscious state would be wedded again to yours.

IV

;you're all I need
don't you see me
i think I'm falling,
i'm falling for you
don't you need me
i think i'm falling
i'm falling for you
on this night
and in this light
i think i'm falling for you
maybe you'll change your mind
i think i'm falling

i'm caught on your coat again
you say, oh no it's fine
i read between the lines and
touched your leg again
i'll take it one day at a time
soon you will be mine
but oh i want you now
when the smoke is in your eyes
you look so alive
do you fancy sitting down with me?
maybe cause you're all i need
according to your heart
my place is not deliberate
feeling of your arms

i don't wanna be your friend
i wanna kiss your neck

One of my favourite songs, ever.