Friday, November 29, 2013

I tried to sleep this off but I can't.
I tried to be the bigger man, but once again, I can't.
How does love work? 
Honestly, I need to know the trick of the trade. I need to stop going to bed with the notion that peoples' minds change in nanoseconds and they're all bastards acting on a whim. I need to psycho myself into believing that people are more than lipstick stains, trash talk and the lingering smell of stale hypocrisy. All I want is to revel in the security you provide without my prompting.

All I need is your attention.

Do you know how lovely it is to have your hair stroked without first placing your hand on his thigh? Or to be kissed before you even pucker up. To know that, despite time eroding the sensitivity of nerve endings and visual receptors the sight of you still knocks the wind out of him. The tiniest gestures, the ones you used to pay attention to.

I want to stop feeling like a god damn obligation. These days I feel like a bag of party tricks you mastered and now it's sitting on your shelf and when you've exhausted your options you know I'm still good to entertain. I think it's sad how much I try to mask, try to let go of and tell myself I'm being too sensitive. I'm pretty good at jokes with you now, matter of fact, the biggest one is me. Is it sad I'm crying now? 
Because it's the little things that fall out of line of your vision. And every minute spent in blissful ignorance is another hour spent in my bed just thinking about how every single time I end up being the one who invests too much, tries too hard, and gets walked out on. 

It doesn't have to happen this time too, please, it can't.
 Or, maybe I just need to get the fuck out of here.

Friday, November 22, 2013

of pertinence to our relationship

Did you know that sometimes I get lost in the circles your lips make?
On other days, however,  I am drowning in the streams between your rib-bones as your semi-
conscious, sleeping frame stretches
did you know that I once scraped my knee from tripping on the effortless way you slip your tongue between my teeth, and it bled from the gravel that was your breath whispering promises to my breastbone

since that day, I have not recovered.

I wanted somebody to tell me I am doing things right,
that in a world smitten with half-truths, a rarity would ensure
then that very same blasted universe spat out a 5'9'' promise and I was to
keep my heart guarded and palms open towards you
but,
I could not prepare myself for the likes of you
You who elbowed your way into my life like one would shove into a crowded bus on a Friday evening,
relentlessly and with purpose
your presence demanded it be felt and I nursed it like my life depended on it
but then again all of it before your entry seems largely irrelevant now
and I don't fall asleep to the rhythm of hot tears dripping onto a cotton blend of pillows anymore
or the hollow beating of my sullen heart weakened by disenchantment

did you know you changed my life?

Sunday, November 17, 2013



Just a little bit longer.

Algorithm

It's 2.58am on my clock and over at your side it may be more or it may be less
I know it doesn't get colder than 26 where I live but right now the manufactured cold feels like 15,
Maybe more, maybe less
All these numbers have me bolt upright in bed thinking about your digits
How they connect to a calloused palm
Bearing the lines I like to trace as we share secrets in the dark 
I was once 7
Telling my mother I loved her more than the number of grains of sand in the entire world
And now I've met you
The entire universe in one bundle of cells and sinews
I can't quantify the feeling in my chest
The chestnut strands I bury my hands in
But I'll stay up all night counting my blessings 

Friday, November 8, 2013

I wish I spent more time splintering wooden doors than having them slam in my face
If I had more resolve in me maybe I'd allow you to spread coats of poster paint with your tongue 
On the fingernail scratches littering the jaundiced bones of my ribcage 
Sometimes I think my mind is too big for my body
I also think about how silence was never our best trait but there are days when I'm lying on your chest and I become painfully aware of the thump thump thump of the doldrums
And the fear we will wither away tastes like gall in the back of my throat 
Because there will be days that salty tsunamis will clog my lungs and cheap talk and paint will wash away in clouds of dissipating colours 
I'll grab them with my fists in hopes of capturing the pigments only to lose them
Like that day I held on to the fabric of your shirt only to have you wrench away
Your smile was playful
And I sank my teeth into your shoulder 
All while my thoughts went on like a litany in my head, please don't get away please don't get away please don't get away please 


Sunday, November 3, 2013

I've had my share of second chances, open doors and wild romances.
It better be right now.